I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
