After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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