I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
