woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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