Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
