How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently you make a good broom.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
