your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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