The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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