I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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