I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
