So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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