Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize