I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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