so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
