my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
