her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
