I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
All the doctor said was why
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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