did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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