I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
