Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize