Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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