I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
