Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
