you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The beer is more important than you right now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
its liver damage thursday
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize