I skipped work to stalk him.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
