Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize