dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Holy shit dude........stairs
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
