8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
