Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just found a bag of teeth...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
