Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
