I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
