i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize