i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
