Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
