coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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