I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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