let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
