at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
