Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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