Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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