FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
