after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
