Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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