just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
