At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Who died my cat blue again?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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