My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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