Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
