dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
