please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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