She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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