Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
