If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
