I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
