the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
