airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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