all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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