Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
