Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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